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New York is ready to party like it’s 1999.

Get ready for lots of dishing and perhaps even a little bit of swishing as Jalen Brunson and the New York Knicks prepare to battle Victor Wembanyama and the San Antonio Spurs in the NBA Finals. The 2026 title game is a rematch of the 1999 Finals — a Tim Duncan-led 4-1 series win for the Spurs — with Game 1 set to start Wednesday, June 3 at 8:30 p.m. ET on ABC.

After vanquishing the defending champion Oklahoma City Thunder in a grueling seven-game series in the Western Conference Finals, Wemby and the Spurs are the betting favorite to win it all (currently -190 on FanDuel) and are a -4.5 point favorite to secure a Game 1 victory.

Are those lines fair? Sure. Even the most passionate Knicks fan can admit that San Antonio is a problem. But there’s more to basketball than just Xs and Os. The sport of kings (not now, horse racing) is governed by intangibles. This Knicks squad not only has immaculate vibes, but they survived and thrived after being CURSED by Danhausen, a WWE Superstar/human Ouija board who seemingly possesses the ability to jinx his enemies, to get within four wins of their first NBA Championship since 1973.

With New York on the cusp of history, here are the three things they need to do to bring the Larry O’Brien Trophy back to the Big Apple.

1. How Do You Solve a Problem Like a Wemby?

I truly hope you read that header in the sing-song style of “How do you solve a problem like Maria?” As it was intended. Sports media has spent countless hours exhaustively breaking down the Knicks vs. Spurs matchup, but sometimes the simplest analysis is also the most vital: Don’t let Wemby cook.

The Spurs were 4-0 when Wemby was the best player on the floor during the Western Conference Finals and 0-3 when he was outplayed by Shai Gilgeous-Alexander. Slowing down this sweet-shooting skyscraper will be the name of the game for KAT, OG, and Mitchell Robinson, whose NBA Finals status is still in question due to a broken right pinky.

After the Knicks find a way to slow down Wemby, a generational talent who many believe at 22 years of age is already the best player in the NBA, they need to set their sights on a familiar foe.

2. Don’t Let Julian Champagnie Make 11 Three-Pointers In a Single Game.

In New York’s two regular-season victories over San Antonio — the finals of the NBA Cup and a March 1 win — the Knicks held Julian Champagnie to a combined six points on 2-for-7 shooting from downtown. Those are me playing rec basketball numbers, but rest assured, I contribute to the team in other ways (I bring snacks and sometimes Gatorade).

In New York’s lone loss to the Spurs, Champagnie scored 36 points, hitting 11 three-pointers in San Antonio’s two-point victory.

First of all, hitting that many three-pointers against one team in a single game is, pardon my language, rude. Respect is a two-way street, Julian. Secondly, if Champagnie doesn’t score 20 points in Game 7 against the Thunder, the Spurs might be watching the Finals from Texas.

Don’t let Champagnie, or, honestly, any member of the opposing team, hit 10 or more three-pointers.

Photo: YouTube/NBC

3. Convince The WWE’s Maestro of Supernatural Mischief Danhausen To Curse The San Antonio Spurs!

You probably thought I’d go with the importance of KAT staying out of foul trouble or the need for a consistent secondary scoring option behind Brunson, both of which are very important. But nope!

For the uninitiated, Danhausen is the WWE’s mad scientist of calamity who possesses the unpredictable temperament of a vampire who just guzzled down a 32-ounce ICEE filled with NyQuil, unprocessed Fun Dip sugar, and a bottle of random new age “vitamins” you swiped from your kooky aunt who won’t stop talking about her recent trip to New Mexico. At the start of the playoffs, Danhausen cursed the Knicks, who then lost two straight games to the Atlanta Hawks. After Danhausen lifted his spell (and later cursed the Cavs), New York went on a historic 10-game postseason winning streak and hasn’t lost since.

Superstitions in sports? What a concept! The Curse of the Bambino, the Curse of the Billy Goat, whatever weird witchcraft they had brewing in Buffalo in the ’90s, curses, or at least the perception of curses, in sports are nothing new. Look, I’m a rational person; I own over four different stocks and have seen the movie A Few Good Men. Are curses silly? Maybe. Is a championship drought spanning over 50 years worth entertaining a little bit of silliness? Absolutely.

We know that Danhausen, who describes himself as very nice (good sign) and very evil (not ideal), is motivated by “real human monies” and a desire for courtside seats. In the words of famed fictional gambler and noted Oreo cookies enthusiast Teddy KGB: “Pay him. Pay that man his money.” If there’s even a 1% chance it could lead to the Knicks raising a banner, why the hell not?

Photo: Getty Images

Okay, so let’s recap, shall we? The Knicks will win the NBA Finals as long as they:

• Stop The Best Basketball Player in the World From Being The Best Basketball Player In The World
• DON’T Allow Julian Champagnie To Make 11 Three-Pointers In a Single Game
• Pay Danhausen Real Human Monies To Curse The Spurs

Sounds easy enough to me. Go New York, go New York, go! Knicks in six, baby. Knicks. In. Six.

Game 1 of the NBA Finals takes place Wednesday, June 3 at 8:30 p.m. ET on ABC.